Friday, March 31, 2006

celebrate the knee socks


I celebrate my hot pink knee socks because, together as a pair, hiding under my pants, they are my most favorite thing in the world – because they are hot pink and they are knee socks. My least favorite things in the world are excel spread sheets. Persistent is apparently a very good thing to be. All the successful people on the radio talk shows say so. When asked why they are so successful and what they would say to people that are not as successful as they are, they say, "Persistency pays off." I am putting faith in this concept since most other concepts have failed me recently. Hooray for persistency and pink knee socks; together they can't be beat.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

creepy

A quote from the NY Times, that unrelenting source of entertainment and offensive comments:

"As you're well aware, today he surged," acknowledged Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, the military spokesman, using his preferred pronoun to describe the amorphous insurgency. "He still has that capability."

ancient and unfun

I am rescinding the work is fun comment I made yesterday. Work is not fun. Today there was a cobwebby fog binding me to my chair rooting me in unpleasantness. I felt especially not charming and not clever. I did however feel old. Very old. So old that the sleater kinney song was mocking me.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

fun fun fun

We almost had the tuna melt and french fries. Instead we opted for the healthy vegi chinese food. It was bland and soggy. And Vegi chinese food does not come with french fries. I hate making bad dining decisions.

I missed the event I was looking forward to attending tonight because it actually happened last night. I am having trouble keeping track of the days. Instead I got some work done with my partner in crime. And I reminded myself that it is fun working on projects with other people. It is.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

my guitar teacher

Back when I was in love with San Francisco, I took classical guitar lessons from a very cool teacher that lived near twin peaks. This was back when everything was significant and coincidental for me. My teacher had an advanced degree in theology and we spent half of every lesson talking about life and death. In the middle of one lesson he took a phone call, which was a very unusual thing for him to do. He came back into the room teary eyed and told me that a friend of his had just died. Rather than send me home, he insisted on continuing the lesson. I wish I could remember what we talked about. I do remember that he blurted out at one point "Maybe I'm not the teacher for you, here I spend most of the lesson talking" to which I replied, "You are definitely the teacher for me." Driving home from the lesson I saw San Francisco from above and its jewel-like glittery lights all layed out below in this fantastic city scape. I literally always had to take a deep breath as I descended from twin peaks and made my way to my room in the drafty victorian.

Monday, March 27, 2006

pretty flowers


Today as I was listening to a woman decry one-sided unobjective support of Venezuela I realized how marginalized the leftist movements are in this country. It made me want to leave for somewhere else. I feel my interactions with real people in the bay area are almost non-existent, so I may have a warped view. Why does everyone seem unreal? I still don't understand how most people don't see the serious flaws in our culture. Maybe it's because the flowers here are so pretty.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

little trouble makers

I came upon the best reason ever to have children. Apparently, in Victorian literary families it was a common practice for children to write a family newspaper or magazine for one's family. Harper's magazine published a few of Virginia Woolf's articles she wrote for her family newspaper when she was only 10; they were wonderfully funny. Theoretically, if I had a few little ones I could put them to work writing pithy articles for my entertainment. I love this idea.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

wish i was taller, wish i was..

It seems that the fates are having a little fun with my life. Rolling around all the options and keeping me in suspense or more accurately suspended. Occasionally a person can twirl up some action, but not right now. No, now we must wait. On a brighter note, a person in my life has the ability to annoy me to an obscene degree. Her whiny voice rakes the insides of my ears and reflects the vapid emptiness of her lobes. What is the bright part you may ask? Well, she ain't gonna be around for a while.

I was standing on my bed today to look in the mirror (logistics problem with my room, honest, I do this very rarely) and it struck me what it would be like to be taller. It could be very powerful. Although you might start to get a false sense of untouchability. Think I'll stick with a special someone giving me piggy-back rides.

Friday, March 24, 2006

step off buddhist


I had an experience particular to california the other day. A white buddhist lady got all condescending on me. As in spiritually condescending. There is nothing more annoying than encountering the self-righteousness of the new agey. I could just see the bubble thoughts above her head rife with pity for my un-buddha-like nature, for my un-bodhisattva-ness. If she could see my bubble thoughts they would've been saying: You are not Tibetan lady! I don't care how many prayer flags you hang on your porch. Bring it on, I bet I could meditate you under the table!

*note: I have defended buddhism many times to fellow anti-authoritarians, this post in no way questions buddhist practice only new agey obnoxious buddhist practice (the same could be said for any beliefs that bind themselves with judgement – veganism, yoga, smoking, nonsmoking, anarchism, liberalism, on and on and on.)

Thursday, March 23, 2006

whiskey

It is really cold. I live in a dark room. Working so much leaves me little time for thinking or strategizing. When I am not working I want to sit in one place and stare at the wall while under the covers and wish someone was around to get drunk with.

Back to the V for Vendetta question as to get it out of my head. There is one review that sums up pretty accurately what I think here. To add to it, the problems I see are thus:

1) No actual values or ideals are articulated.
2) You know its gonna be one of those typical mainstream movies when you hear Natalie Portman's opening voice-over, which is emblematic of such a formulaic movie, which causes me to wonder, who is greenlighting these movies? Isn't anyone watching these and saying, uh it could be a lot better *before* releasing it to the world. Obviously it is not for a lack of funding. Have people forgotten what good movies are? Or maybe no one cares.
3) Okay this goes with number 2, but the acting/script/believability of the characters was lame-o.
4) Making homosexuality the target of repression may pull on your heartstrings, but does not make for a nuanced reflection of the repression people really face under their governments, including co-opting indentity politics making everyone an equal opportunity cog whatever your gender/race/sexual orientation.
5) V says near the beginning "I've never forgotten the power of words" or something close to that. And this is the particularly disturbing part of the movie to me – manipulation. V embodies a charismatic manipulative character, this to me is antithetical to anarchism and really one of the grave dangers I see especially within anarchist cliques. So unfortunately maybe this is the part that most accurately reflects anarchist communities in the u.s. (oh say it isn't so!)
6) Evey says she misses the man and the script blunders on about this romantic relationship between Evey and V (which does not work at all), although one of the central tenets of the movie is that it is not about an individual rather an idea. This goes into the wishwashy-what-the-hell-is-this-movie-trying-to-say category that the review I link to does well in explaining.
7) I couldn't help wondering if Natalie Portman was gonna f-up her fake english accent and whether she was okay with her pronounced nipples in the ridiculous dancing scene. What up with that. In case you are wondering, Berkeley audiences did giggle when V uttered the Emma Goldman line. But alas, Emma he was not. Emma actually had ideals and was able to articulate them brilliantly.

Okay so a few positive things:
1) It was entertaining in the posh hollywood way, although it must be said that I am easily entertained. It was even a little exciting to see a movie grappling with hinting at an interesting idea yet never figuring out what that idea is.
2) If anyone has been hiding under a rock for the past 6 years in the U.S. and still does not understand how blowing something up has culturally symbolic meaning and can change reality, well this movie touches on that.
3) If anyone has been hiding under a rock for the past 6 years and has not figured out the government is fear-mongering as an excuse to get rid of those pesky civil liberties we used to enjoy but take for granted, this movie touches on that.
4) Cool knife-slashing sound effects.

Back to staring at the wall wishing for whiskey and a person to drink it with.

serious problem

I think I've forgotten how to have fun. How do you solve such a problem? I told so many people "no" tonight that my head hurts.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

pink is not red and black

Imagine you are expecting to bring home lox schmear for your bagels, but instead you open the container only to encounter strawberry schmear. My disappointment in V for Vendetta is something like this feeling. Mostly I had high hopes because i liked the posters which is embarrassing enough to admit. But, there are more reasons for my disappointment that I feel compelled to outline shortly.

escape

Sometimes the energy around us changes. Three little earthquakes occured in the East Bay today. Things feel uneasy. Events occur that have no explanation. I have lived in 8 different residences since I moved to the Bay Area. I have experienced a number of unpleasant things; ghosts, rats, stalkers, pit bulls, and now a rock thrower. But when these things occur there always seems to be a deeper meaning.

Luckily people and cats tend to keep me grounded. There is no need to send me your sawed off arm after writing on it "i really like you". Consistency is much better than that. I will also accept cookies as a show of affection. On another disconcerting note, V for Vendetta was not about anarchism. I was so disappointed. There was no actual expression of 'the ideal' that was talked about in the movie. The hero seemed to be mostly about vengeance and only higher ideals were very subtly hinted at. Again Sophie Scholl: The Last Days did a much better job of professing a different vision of society. Long live freedom!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

change of topic


Was anyone else bothered by the message of "The Hero"? It seems sort of uncool to promote conquering other lands to 'unite' all people. And to argue that it is okay to use militaristic forced means in order to do so. But then again I do not know my history. Perhaps it was very dark times in the other lands. Either way though having one all powerful emperor is not the way to go. Although I did like the message that says a true warrior is someone that picks up a sword for the sole reason of being able to put it down. Most anti-authoritarians will dismiss the whole concept of 'hero'. I can't say that it isn't attractive to me. Not that one person is so special, but more like anyone can be one. I think it is very helpful to have examples.

Monday, March 20, 2006

not feeling safe in your house sucks.

Not feeling safe in your house sucks.

Whether it is earthquakes, serial killers, stalkers, or rock throwers, california is ripe with unsafe house feelings.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

wtf

I don't know how to say this metaphorically, so I'll just say it. Some fucker threw a rock through my roommate's bedroom window tonight. It was a huge window and a large rock. She was sitting in bed when it happened; Luckily she is okay. The only people that read this blog are close friends, so I'm sure you will hear details soon. And Miss J., I know you are probably not reading this, but in case you are, I was really really upset when I got your message today and probably did not communicate that very vividly.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

future room

My future room will be painted with warm bright clean colors. There will be a desk where I will write down clear incisive thoughts and there will be a hard drive on which I will work on video. It will have a lot of light, you will be able to see tree leaves from the window, and perhaps watch the seasons change (?). I will have a real bed. My annoying cat will run around the aparment and my non-annoying roommate will pet him.

Friday, March 17, 2006

cookies make things better


How many Newman-o's is it healthy to eat in one day? Probably removing them from my bedroom may help me stay below the recommended daily allowance.

Heirarchy, academia, privileged space, oh my god sometimes I just don't want to be told what to do. It boggles my mind how some people think hierarchy and status are a good idea, of course it is *always* the people on top of the heap that feel this way (and people who think they will be on top soon). And the university industry is something else. I had no idea when I was in college what an ass I was.

Really I need to keep my bitterness in check. Maybe I should go to the "BF" and stop my belly-aching about the scene. Because to be honest it wasn't that bad the other night, in fact it was kind of comforting even though someone did call me comrade.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

winter in bezerkeley (without heat)

A true friend is someone who will watch me stick my head in a laundry basket full of fresh-out-of-the-dryer clothes for warmth, laugh at me, and then try it herself only to exclaim, "It is warm!"

don't call me comrade

I am experiencing fatigue. Fatigue so bad that I thought I might fall asleep eating breakfast, fall asleep on bart, fall asleep eating lunch, fall asleep at the grocery store, you get the idea. I even drank a bunch of oj and had a multi-vitamin but that just made me sleepy.

What I want to talk about today, despite my fatigue, is my inability to really get at what I am trying to say.

For example, my last post about my first friend in California really was about more than what I wrote. I have been thinking about the "us" vs. "them" mentality and how naturally people form groups. And how do you know if your group is correct. This begs the question of identity. And do the people that claim me, or insist on being my friend are they creating my identity for me? Am I just a victim of suggestion?

A few things enter into this contemplation. Did you read that article about the popular sleeping drug that causes people to rise from their beds in the middle of the night and ravenously sleep-eat? These people, apparently driven by their animal instinct, devour whatever is in their kitchen in a very unhuman like way, ripping apart packages and cramming food into their mouths. The people that experienced this "eating disorder" (as the drug co. likes to call it) were so ashamed of their behaviour most of them did not accept they were doing this.

The other part of this contemplation comes to us from R.D. Laing and a study he did concerning therapeutic communities that showed a pattern that emerges from group living. First a group sense of euphoria abounds, then ultimately people turn against each other, especially against the leader, and ultimately the leader is ousted from the group and must leave.

It is disturbing that human behaviour is predictable; If our actions are predictable, then where does our identity reside? If we can do things while asleep (even if under the influence of a drug) that we would never do awake, is that really us, if it is not, then who is acting out? A new movie about an amnesiac (Unknown White Male) grapples with some of these questions of identity.

Sophie Scholl: The Last Days, a movie I saw recently, plays into this puzzle as well. The Nazi group-think got a hold of people. The intense pressure of conforming to the majority even though your personal moral compass may tell you the majority is wrong. But then perhaps it is very easy for people to have their moral compass hi-jacked. Indeed some people may not even have one to begin with, or they may use other values as its mores (superiority? hatred? fear?).

So, where does all this contemplation lead us? Is identity constructed by the people and things that surround you rather than from your inside?

I think this is all surfacing for me this week because a group I consider myself a part of is convening in San Francisco. I am not attending. I am boycotting. Mostly because the ideals that speak to my heart are not lived for real by a lot of these people. And I am practicing being something without other people telling me that is what I am.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

my first friend in california

Occasionally people claim me as their own. They say, "You are one of us." Sometimes they arrogantly add on, "You may not know it yet." More often than not it seems to be true, but maybe I am open to manipulation. My first friend in California was an 11 year old Vietnamese-American girl. She insisted on becoming my friend whether I liked it or not. She knocked and knocked on the wall of fear and bigotry I had built up until it finally broke down. With her thick glasses and pony tail down to her knees, she insisted that we were to be friends. And she was right, we became the best of friends. Is it that people recognize a kindred spirit, a connection that I am slow to grasp? I often resist, and unfortunately I am sometimes careless with people that have chosen me with such certainty.

Monday, March 13, 2006

hopeful things



I've been working to make money. I am tired. This is why I will leave two hopeful events here instead of writing because I have no energy at the moment. I only have enough energy to longingly wait for summertime to come in a future city-home. If you haven't heard, there is no summer here. San Francisco is a city without a summer.

Hopeful thing #1:
Mass feminist demonstrations in Italy have returned to the streets and piazzas thirty years after their earlier wave - taking on Berlusconi and Benedict to defend abortion rights and fight social regression. In Milan, on 14 January 2006, some 250,000 demonstrators, mainly women, took to the streets, to defend law 194, the 1978 law decriminalising abortion, and the principle of women's reproductive, social and economic self-determination.

Hopeful thing #2:

Chicago IL - Upwards of 200,000 people marched through downtown Chicago, March 10, chanting, "Si, se puede!," meaning, "Yes we can!" defeat the Sensenbrenner bill. This legislation, HR (House Resolution) 4437, was passed in December by the U.S. House of Representatives and looks ready to move quickly through the Senate. If passed, it would make it a crime for organizations or individuals to assist undocumented immigrants.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

when light hits emulsion



What do you say to someone that captures moments so beautifully that you wonder if he has a special kind of eyes that see light, patterns and forms in ways that you can't? What do you say to someone who has an immense talent and does the thing you want to do but better than you will ever do it? And what does this person see when he looks at you?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

know your enemy

I want to write a profound entry about how the state controls us with the threat of imprisonmment. And how having over 2 million people in prison has a devastating effect on our development as people. And how we were all born under this system and it stymies each and every one of us. But, I can't really do that topic justice.

I can reminisce about Los Angeles. A city I love and hate. A Rage Against the Machine song came on the radio today and it brought me back to the DNC and their live performance outside the staples center. Towards the end of the concert the police rioted and for the first time in my life I ran in the streets with hundreds of other people; running from fear of being beaten or shot with rubber bullets. Downtown LA was desolate that night. Except for the eery spotlights shining between the buildings making it look like a movie set. When you turned the wrong corner you caught a glimpse of line after line of shiny LA riot police in formation like an army. Helicopters, spotlights, metallic buildings, riot police and people running. Reconvening with my friends later, one of us had a broken shoulder, broken by a cop on a horse. If you can envision a fully plated riot policeman on a horse using a baton to beat a girl holding a camera. WTF. RATM never sounded so good.

Friday, March 10, 2006

head for the hills

Last week in a bar, I asked the person next to me, "What urls do you own?" and he answered with a baffled look. Until that moment, I assumed everyone owned atleast one url. Apparently, this is a falsity culled from living through the 'dot com boom' in the bay area.

I have owned several pieces of "web real estate" since the mid 90s.
I wonder how else I am scarred from the boom besides my url collection and having become normalized to outrageous rents. Back in the day when the internet was a baby, I mostly used email to write poetry. I kid you not. I found filling out the "subject" field a continous source of creative titillation and irony. Me and a friend would send each other email haikus back and forth to each other daily. Poetry seemed to be the most natural form for an email to take. Now it seems silly. Although perhaps no sillier than a blog.

If you were in San Francisco in the late 90s you probably participated somehow in the yuppie eradication project. Whether it was keying an SUV or something more dangerous most people acted out against the dot com invasion, unless you were part of it. If you were part of it, you were 22 fresh out of college and making 100k a year. Yeah. Many people got rich quick. Then when it all crashed they were able to live off their earnings unemployed for a few years. Kinda like a gold rush for sure. Other people got displaced from their homes and/or did some creative actions against the encroachment. Its fun to have someone drunkenly confess some crazy thing they did against the dot com boomers in the 90s. There has been speculation lately about whether a new dot com boom is beginning. Our favorite uncrowded local watering hole is becoming crowded and the patronage is looking suspiciously well dressed.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

dolly we understand

Yesterday, two separate people were crossing the street, each of them talking to the air. One was saying "No, I can tell you it ain't that way!" and the other saying "Yes, I told you that is what happened!" One person was talking on their cell phone and the other was raving mad. Apparently, behaviour that was considered unacceptable is now perfectly acceptable. That may be a small comfort if I'm ever at the point of having make-believe conversations with myself.

In observation of International Women's day, I met and had dinner with some fabulous women. Lots of things were discussed, only one of which being Dolly Parton's appearance at the oscars and whether women in the spotlight should be called out for having cosmetic surgery (a la pink's new video). Do they have a responsibility as public figures? Or if we should not criticize, but have compassion for these women and the immense pressure they are under to be (and stay) in the public spotlight; and instead concentrate on changing the system that makes them feel they need to do that in order to stay in the public eye. I have to say I am on the fence. I dig the compassion for other women thing, but especially in my private life I try to stay away from people that choose to perpetuate the patriarchy, and that includes women that insist on having competitive critical relationships with other women; don't need it. But does that make me critical and then perpetuating the patriarchy by not supporting those other women? Eh, I don't think so.

The best quote from the women's day dinner was, "He had a dick the size of a burritto." We were in the mission, so you know, it makes sense.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

movies that make you cry

Go see Sophie Scholl - The Final Days. What a terrific depiction of a strong young woman. And the movie was really about her. It wasn't about her relationship to a man. It was about her inner turmoil and unwavering belief in an ideal. She stood up for her beliefs and did not rat out her friends in order to save herself. How many would be so brave. This movie is very relevant for things going on now that I will not get into here, except to mention that the fight for human dignity and freedom is one that spans our entire human history and continues to this day. This movie really contrasts with the simplified depiction of Pocahontas in The New World. I hate to break it to you, but young girl as a metaphor for virgin territory is not original and is not interesting. More complex women characters please.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

doesn't mean nothing

I hate when people say "J School". Mostly I hate when people going to "J School" say "J School".

Monday, March 06, 2006

yo

Cherish the friends surrounding you. Dear moments were had tonight; remembering one particular person that did a drive-by whirlwind passing-through of our lives briefly, yet made a significant mark. There are no words to sum up the feeling of precariousness being human curses you with or the weight that signifies the work that still needs to be done when we are all dead and buried. Why does the heart open up. Who the fuck knows. And when do you put the mask down and be real or make the call.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

not wallowing


In an attempt to not wallow in the death and sadness theme I present a list of a few things I appreciated today in no particular order: Really good falafel, antibiotic ointment, my nondescript shoes, a really cute boy in Chicago, the fact that I am not the homeless woman I see all the time that is exactly my age, hershey's kisses, my lack of chronic pain, avocado green sauce, not getting another rejection letter, and moss.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

outraged

When someone dies "before their time" (whatever that means) or really when someone dies at any time I feel a sense of outrage at the loss of life. What is even more outrageous is that the world keeps going on. People don't notice that someone died unless you tell them. There is no rip in the time space continuum. There is no bright banner in the sky. Everything keeps functioning. A person can exist one minute and not exist the next minute. That last sentence is enough to mull over for a lifetime.

Friday, March 03, 2006

mercury goes retrograde


My cat always gets super sweet and cuddly when he is in pain. Maybe it is a natural instinct for a person, um, I mean CAT, to get close to the person who makes them feel safe when they feel bad. Although, that instinct often competes with the urge to retract and hide behind an inner fortress separate and alone. I mean, If you have an inner fortress you may as well use it. And if you don't have an inner fortress I suggest building one right away. Hiding under the bed until it is constructed is an option too. Hm, this sounds like a horoscope.

May I point out: Mercury goes retrograde March 1 and stays that way until the 25th.

Okay, maybe San Francisco is the only city that Michelle Tea writes horoscopes for, but maybe I won't need tiny messages full of made-up significance and implied meaning in a new city. That's right.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

fried chicken


Earthquakes are not fun. It is one reason that I want to leave California. There have been several small earthquakes in the past week, which puts everyone on edge. Is it good that the fault is letting out pressure or does it mean the big one is coming? I think about earthquakes a lot, where I am, what would happen if the building I was in collapsed, would I have enough time to get under something or outside. What would it be like to be in bart – Nobody wants to die on bart, especially after paying the ridiculously high fare (expensive public transportation = another reason to leave the bay area). Or everytime I cross the bridge in a car (the same bridge that collapsed in the last big earthquake... why is it taking them so long to build the new bridge!). The worst thing about earthquakes is that they are a constant source of stress, even if you are not actively thinking about it, the possibility of them occuring at any moment hangs out in the recesses of your mind. I'm sure there is some new-agey argument for bad 'energies' emanating from the fault lines.

Not that I am obssessed about uncontrollable things ... although I am planning on trying Bake Sale Bettie's fried chicken sandwich before the bird flu gets out of hand.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

performing ritual


Trinh T. Minh-ha - damn. I almost walked out becaue you were incomprehensible. But, the woman next to me said that it takes a while to set in, it is a lecture in poetry. The Fourth Dimension, an essay film about Japan, was worth the wait. Apparently, I love essay films. It was every bit as wonderful as I remember Reassemblage being. The tempo of the images, the drums, the themes of 'performing gender', the digital realm, ritual, the 'choreography of everyday life' and so many other things you touch upon – the shots of the women trustfully sound asleep on the train – it was all delicious. And then I found this essay, which make me like you even more. I guess the Bay Area gets one point for having you as a professor.

"Silence is so commonly set in opposition with speech. Silence as a will not to say or a will to unsay and as a language of its own has barely been explored."

– excerpt from the Trinh T. Minh-ha essay, Not You/Like You: Post-Colonial Women and the Interlocking Questions of Identity and Difference