bitter taste

There have been a bunch of freak accidents this week. A car wreck and subsequent gasoline fire in front of the Castro theater killing one man who was sitting in his parked car when the errant car crashed into him. Another man was killed eating dinner in a crowded restaurant; robbers entered and began collecting wallets, the man asked if he could keep his ID and he was shot dead. And an older woman was killed driving to work on the UC campus by a garbage truck.

I don't like clusters of meaningless deaths happening all at once. I am aware that meaningless deaths happen all the time, but it is unsettling that my attention keeps being drawn to them by the people around me or by a flapping newspaper on the ground. I don't like it. The bay area seems safe on the surface, and most of the streets seem quiet. But there is rage and ugliness beneath things and a seeping meaninglessness too.

Luckily, I am currently safe in my bed (for now) drinking a beer – ensuring my bitter quota for the day. J. pointed out that our culture undervalues bitterness in contrast to sweetness. Tip for the day: appreciate bitter taste because it is good for you. Makes your stomach fiery.

heart of the world

Growing old makes me feel vulnerable, yet capable. It took so long for me to start visibly aging. It is now happening. My first grey hair. Wrinkles. I know I am hyper sensitive, well, because I am a woman and this society has successfully f***ed with my brain. If you have women in your life, you must understand that our culture makes women crazy on purpose with worrying about how we look. I don't know any woman who hasn't been greatly damaged by this stupid stupid worry. The worry is distracting us all.

\\change of subject here\\

What if the world was having a heart attack? Would you jump in its clogged artery to save it? Guy Maddin is just so imaginative it is silly. I like him most because he is not self-important. I totally admire modesty.

\\change of subject here\\

California is lonely. Someone reminded me of this today. I walked into the darkened room and I could see the woman with long hair sitting with him, yet we did not speak of her. I remember always feeling that everyone has someone. Now I have someone too. But not in California.

mix-tape memories

It is official. I will actually be saying goodbye to California soon. I'm going through all my stuff and trying to eliminate unnecessaries. Now I am listening to mix-tapes various friends have made for me over the years. The strange thing is, even though I have been living in California for many years now, I have gone through a lot of incarnations. My life has dramatically changed at regular intervals. There are many people that were in my daily life that I never see anymore. Important people too. People that made a humongous difference in my life. Man, life is so weird. Although, I have to say, the people that have joined my life in the last few years may be staying in my life. There is some sort of tribe/clique thing happening. Just a hunch.

Currently playing from "Lisa's Mega-Mix" tape created by the fabulous Bertha:
"Loyalty" by Me'shell Ndegeocello

don't breath yet

It is as if I were building a house of cards and putting the last few cards on top and I can't even breath or anything because I've already built five prior houses of cards and each and every one has come tumbling down just at this point.

bunny cake

One good thing about California is that some of my relatives live here. Having dinner with my cousins today and eating ham (i know, but sometimes it is good), and breaded eggplant like you have never tasted, and bunny cake, well I can't complain. And one of my cousins just became a fire chief. She is rad and very strong. Do people say rad outside of California? Will I always be cursed with a healthy dose of 80s valley girl vernacular?

patriarchy poem #1

Big Fire Men
Bossey
Order Everyone Around
Young Woman
Fainted
Told What To Do

i think it's called xenophobia

I was watching a film about Iran in which women were being chastised for not asking permission from the man in the family before going out or answering the phone and I had an icky feeling. Then after the film I heard an outraged man in response say something like, "How can they be like that." which gave me an equally icky feeling.

space

I'm back from outer space. Back to my job under the full moon. My boss is really unhappy, she tells me this all the time. Today, she gave me chocolates shaped like yellow baby chicks. I have an interview tomorrow. How to convince people that I am the perfect person for the job? I really am too. Except for my hatred of office-y environments, excel, and authority. Besides those things, I am perfect for it. If you missed the strange news about the SPACE ICE that fell in Oakland the other day, well, too bad for you.

cat 5 baby

Two lawyers in suits took me and my friend J. out to lunch today. It made me feel really important. The restaurant we went to features naughty pictures on the ceiling of people having sex, like the kamasutra or something. I think it adds to the dining experience. I also got rid of some junk by donating it to the center for creative reuse. Man they have a bunch of stuff there, if you need big birthday candles or a stranger's old photographs that is the place to go.

Then, I went to CompUSA to buy an ethernet cable which I was dreading. I have made several cables in the past few years and they are just so expensive to buy, so I was not looking forward to dropping a few twenties for a stupid cable I can make myself. I am standing in line and someone taps me on the shoulder, and it is this guy that I work with. He asks me what I'm buying and I say "ethernet cable". And he says "how much do you need I can just give you some." Hello, that was perfect. So, I happily put the stupid over-priced cable back. It is turning out to be a not-so-bad day, but we'll see I don't want to jinx it. Things have been so crappy lately I am afraid to think they might be okay.

give me marshmallows

The thing about having a blog is that you are hyper sensitive to other people's blogs. Suddenly, I feel a responsibility to be up on a number of random blogs for no real reason. I don't even know you blogger people. Who are you? Because your blogs don't really tell me much.

Okay, I am in the kind of pissed off mood which causes me to be inside my room, door closed with DeBarge blasting on the stereo. It is part of the slow jam show "Between the Sheets", which was the unplanned soundtrack to my dramatic past only because it would come on the car stereo at significant moments of drama. Now I just want to blast these slow jams real loud because I feel pissed off in a cuddly kind of way. If I had some marshmallows I would chuck them in someone's face.

If I could only live by myself, maybe with my cat if he could learn to be quiet, out in a meadow free and alone and happy. Alone. Alone. Alone. Seule.

Did I ever tell you that me and two of my friends were going to perform as Exposé in the school air band competition but we all chickened out? See how much you learn about someone when you read their blog. Don't tell anyone that though because it is embarrassing. Thanks.

fool for you

Yeah so I got punk'd today. It was funny. And I totally forgot it was April fools day. Oddly, I had just been watching punk'd on mtv. But my punk'd did not involve movie stars like Ashton Kutcher. (Note to reader: I am very proud of the pop culture reference I just made, yes, I have been watching cable television, AND I figured out who "Nick & Jessica" are too, okay I am trying to get with the decade people.)

Movies, film, ah ah ah mesmerizing. When I was in the middle of my love affair with film I could watch movies all day, one after another. I have been slowly weaning myself back onto the celluloid. The romance, the drama, the music. It is a whole other world. The tragic ironic twists some plots have. So romantic. The beautiful actors and actresses, lovely, lovely it is all so lovely. I do understand why people are compelled to watch night after night the light playing on the screen, because it is so much more, so richer and if you are lucky it reminds you of the beauty in your own life. And if you are unlucky it reminds you of that too. But it also gives you an alternative and an invitation into a different world if only for 90 minutes.

the joys of my weird job

The problem with a stranger that only knows you from your place of employment while you are in your somewhat public persona calling you by your name is that a) he doesn't know you! b) he only knows your name because he overheard someone else call your name, not because you ever told him your name c) you don't know his name and don't want to know his name.

Don't you hate it when someone hands you a big bag of freshly baked cookies, that she baked for someone else and says "It's alright if you eat some." But, looks at you suspiciously as if the minute she walks away you are going scarf the entire bag. I mean really, don't give me the cookies if you are just going to make me feel guilty! Hey, wait, is this a trick? I swear this happened to me today. And in case you didn't know, chocolate chip cookies are my most favorite food in the world. Is this like a candid camera kind of thing?