bitter taste

There have been a bunch of freak accidents this week. A car wreck and subsequent gasoline fire in front of the Castro theater killing one man who was sitting in his parked car when the errant car crashed into him. Another man was killed eating dinner in a crowded restaurant; robbers entered and began collecting wallets, the man asked if he could keep his ID and he was shot dead. And an older woman was killed driving to work on the UC campus by a garbage truck.

I don't like clusters of meaningless deaths happening all at once. I am aware that meaningless deaths happen all the time, but it is unsettling that my attention keeps being drawn to them by the people around me or by a flapping newspaper on the ground. I don't like it. The bay area seems safe on the surface, and most of the streets seem quiet. But there is rage and ugliness beneath things and a seeping meaninglessness too.

Luckily, I am currently safe in my bed (for now) drinking a beer – ensuring my bitter quota for the day. J. pointed out that our culture undervalues bitterness in contrast to sweetness. Tip for the day: appreciate bitter taste because it is good for you. Makes your stomach fiery.

heart of the world

Growing old makes me feel vulnerable, yet capable. It took so long for me to start visibly aging. It is now happening. My first grey hair. Wrinkles. I know I am hyper sensitive, well, because I am a woman and this society has successfully f***ed with my brain. If you have women in your life, you must understand that our culture makes women crazy on purpose with worrying about how we look. I don't know any woman who hasn't been greatly damaged by this stupid stupid worry. The worry is distracting us all.

\\change of subject here\\

What if the world was having a heart attack? Would you jump in its clogged artery to save it? Guy Maddin is just so imaginative it is silly. I like him most because he is not self-important. I totally admire modesty.

\\change of subject here\\

California is lonely. Someone reminded me of this today. I walked into the darkened room and I could see the woman with long hair sitting with him, yet we did not speak of her. I remember always feeling that everyone has someone. Now I have someone too. But not in California.

mix-tape memories

It is official. I will actually be saying goodbye to California soon. I'm going through all my stuff and trying to eliminate unnecessaries. Now I am listening to mix-tapes various friends have made for me over the years. The strange thing is, even though I have been living in California for many years now, I have gone through a lot of incarnations. My life has dramatically changed at regular intervals. There are many people that were in my daily life that I never see anymore. Important people too. People that made a humongous difference in my life. Man, life is so weird. Although, I have to say, the people that have joined my life in the last few years may be staying in my life. There is some sort of tribe/clique thing happening. Just a hunch.

Currently playing from "Lisa's Mega-Mix" tape created by the fabulous Bertha:
"Loyalty" by Me'shell Ndegeocello

don't breath yet

It is as if I were building a house of cards and putting the last few cards on top and I can't even breath or anything because I've already built five prior houses of cards and each and every one has come tumbling down just at this point.

bunny cake

One good thing about California is that some of my relatives live here. Having dinner with my cousins today and eating ham (i know, but sometimes it is good), and breaded eggplant like you have never tasted, and bunny cake, well I can't complain. And one of my cousins just became a fire chief. She is rad and very strong. Do people say rad outside of California? Will I always be cursed with a healthy dose of 80s valley girl vernacular?

patriarchy poem #1

Big Fire Men
Bossey
Order Everyone Around
Young Woman
Fainted
Told What To Do

i think it's called xenophobia

I was watching a film about Iran in which women were being chastised for not asking permission from the man in the family before going out or answering the phone and I had an icky feeling. Then after the film I heard an outraged man in response say something like, "How can they be like that." which gave me an equally icky feeling.

space

I'm back from outer space. Back to my job under the full moon. My boss is really unhappy, she tells me this all the time. Today, she gave me chocolates shaped like yellow baby chicks. I have an interview tomorrow. How to convince people that I am the perfect person for the job? I really am too. Except for my hatred of office-y environments, excel, and authority. Besides those things, I am perfect for it. If you missed the strange news about the SPACE ICE that fell in Oakland the other day, well, too bad for you.

cat 5 baby

Two lawyers in suits took me and my friend J. out to lunch today. It made me feel really important. The restaurant we went to features naughty pictures on the ceiling of people having sex, like the kamasutra or something. I think it adds to the dining experience. I also got rid of some junk by donating it to the center for creative reuse. Man they have a bunch of stuff there, if you need big birthday candles or a stranger's old photographs that is the place to go.

Then, I went to CompUSA to buy an ethernet cable which I was dreading. I have made several cables in the past few years and they are just so expensive to buy, so I was not looking forward to dropping a few twenties for a stupid cable I can make myself. I am standing in line and someone taps me on the shoulder, and it is this guy that I work with. He asks me what I'm buying and I say "ethernet cable". And he says "how much do you need I can just give you some." Hello, that was perfect. So, I happily put the stupid over-priced cable back. It is turning out to be a not-so-bad day, but we'll see I don't want to jinx it. Things have been so crappy lately I am afraid to think they might be okay.

give me marshmallows

The thing about having a blog is that you are hyper sensitive to other people's blogs. Suddenly, I feel a responsibility to be up on a number of random blogs for no real reason. I don't even know you blogger people. Who are you? Because your blogs don't really tell me much.

Okay, I am in the kind of pissed off mood which causes me to be inside my room, door closed with DeBarge blasting on the stereo. It is part of the slow jam show "Between the Sheets", which was the unplanned soundtrack to my dramatic past only because it would come on the car stereo at significant moments of drama. Now I just want to blast these slow jams real loud because I feel pissed off in a cuddly kind of way. If I had some marshmallows I would chuck them in someone's face.

If I could only live by myself, maybe with my cat if he could learn to be quiet, out in a meadow free and alone and happy. Alone. Alone. Alone. Seule.

Did I ever tell you that me and two of my friends were going to perform as Exposé in the school air band competition but we all chickened out? See how much you learn about someone when you read their blog. Don't tell anyone that though because it is embarrassing. Thanks.

fool for you

Yeah so I got punk'd today. It was funny. And I totally forgot it was April fools day. Oddly, I had just been watching punk'd on mtv. But my punk'd did not involve movie stars like Ashton Kutcher. (Note to reader: I am very proud of the pop culture reference I just made, yes, I have been watching cable television, AND I figured out who "Nick & Jessica" are too, okay I am trying to get with the decade people.)

Movies, film, ah ah ah mesmerizing. When I was in the middle of my love affair with film I could watch movies all day, one after another. I have been slowly weaning myself back onto the celluloid. The romance, the drama, the music. It is a whole other world. The tragic ironic twists some plots have. So romantic. The beautiful actors and actresses, lovely, lovely it is all so lovely. I do understand why people are compelled to watch night after night the light playing on the screen, because it is so much more, so richer and if you are lucky it reminds you of the beauty in your own life. And if you are unlucky it reminds you of that too. But it also gives you an alternative and an invitation into a different world if only for 90 minutes.

the joys of my weird job

The problem with a stranger that only knows you from your place of employment while you are in your somewhat public persona calling you by your name is that a) he doesn't know you! b) he only knows your name because he overheard someone else call your name, not because you ever told him your name c) you don't know his name and don't want to know his name.

Don't you hate it when someone hands you a big bag of freshly baked cookies, that she baked for someone else and says "It's alright if you eat some." But, looks at you suspiciously as if the minute she walks away you are going scarf the entire bag. I mean really, don't give me the cookies if you are just going to make me feel guilty! Hey, wait, is this a trick? I swear this happened to me today. And in case you didn't know, chocolate chip cookies are my most favorite food in the world. Is this like a candid camera kind of thing?

celebrate the knee socks

I celebrate my hot pink knee socks because, together as a pair, hiding under my pants, they are my most favorite thing in the world – because they are hot pink and they are knee socks. My least favorite things in the world are excel spread sheets. Persistent is apparently a very good thing to be. All the successful people on the radio talk shows say so. When asked why they are so successful and what they would say to people that are not as successful as they are, they say, "Persistency pays off." I am putting faith in this concept since most other concepts have failed me recently. Hooray for persistency and pink knee socks; together they can't be beat.

creepy

A quote from the NY Times, that unrelenting source of entertainment and offensive comments:

"As you're well aware, today he surged," acknowledged Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, the military spokesman, using his preferred pronoun to describe the amorphous insurgency. "He still has that capability."

ancient and unfun

I am rescinding the work is fun comment I made yesterday. Work is not fun. Today there was a cobwebby fog binding me to my chair rooting me in unpleasantness. I felt especially not charming and not clever. I did however feel old. Very old. So old that the sleater kinney song was mocking me.

fun fun fun

We almost had the tuna melt and french fries. Instead we opted for the healthy vegi chinese food. It was bland and soggy. And Vegi chinese food does not come with french fries. I hate making bad dining decisions.

I missed the event I was looking forward to attending tonight because it actually happened last night. I am having trouble keeping track of the days. Instead I got some work done with my partner in crime. And I reminded myself that it is fun working on projects with other people. It is.

my guitar teacher

Back when I was in love with San Francisco, I took classical guitar lessons from a very cool teacher that lived near twin peaks. This was back when everything was significant and coincidental for me. My teacher had an advanced degree in theology and we spent half of every lesson talking about life and death. In the middle of one lesson he took a phone call, which was a very unusual thing for him to do. He came back into the room teary eyed and told me that a friend of his had just died. Rather than send me home, he insisted on continuing the lesson. I wish I could remember what we talked about. I do remember that he blurted out at one point "Maybe I'm not the teacher for you, here I spend most of the lesson talking" to which I replied, "You are definitely the teacher for me." Driving home from the lesson I saw San Francisco from above and its jewel-like glittery lights all layed out below in this fantastic city scape. I literally always had to take a deep breath as I descended from twin peaks and made my way to my room in the drafty victorian.

pretty flowers

Today as I was listening to a woman decry one-sided unobjective support of Venezuela I realized how marginalized the leftist movements are in this country. It made me want to leave for somewhere else. I feel my interactions with real people in the bay area are almost non-existent, so I may have a warped view. Why does everyone seem unreal? I still don't understand how most people don't see the serious flaws in our culture. Maybe it's because the flowers here are so pretty.

little trouble makers

I came upon the best reason ever to have children. Apparently, in Victorian literary families it was a common practice for children to write a family newspaper or magazine for one's family. Harper's magazine published a few of Virginia Woolf's articles she wrote for her family newspaper when she was only 10; they were wonderfully funny. Theoretically, if I had a few little ones I could put them to work writing pithy articles for my entertainment. I love this idea.

wish i was taller, wish i was..

It seems that the fates are having a little fun with my life. Rolling around all the options and keeping me in suspense or more accurately suspended. Occasionally a person can twirl up some action, but not right now. No, now we must wait. On a brighter note, a person in my life has the ability to annoy me to an obscene degree. Her whiny voice rakes the insides of my ears and reflects the vapid emptiness of her lobes. What is the bright part you may ask? Well, she ain't gonna be around for a while.

I was standing on my bed today to look in the mirror (logistics problem with my room, honest, I do this very rarely) and it struck me what it would be like to be taller. It could be very powerful. Although you might start to get a false sense of untouchability. Think I'll stick with a special someone giving me piggy-back rides.