a city that is crisp and clear

One nice thing about being far away is that it allows me to look back at San Francisco from a distance. In my memory things are crisp and the air is clear. Billowy fog rolls over twin peaks. The city is small and compact. Streets are familiar. Friends are full of energy and excitement with ideas and news bubbling out of their mouths. A hint of fall chill is in the air with sun reflecting off the victorian houses and the bay glittering in the background. Small crooked bookstores and big cavernous warehouses hold a mix of interesting people. Middle Eastern music wafts out of my rooommate's room and everyone is planning their halloween costume. Is it possible to live in the past and the present? That isn't the most recent San Francisco in my memory. This sparkly recollection of the city describes when everything was my own version of Tales of the City. When coincidence was everywhere and anything was possible. That is not the San Francisco I left. But, maybe it will be the one I go back to.

outfoxing the hawk

When the weather starts turning cold the true nature of this city emerges. The fortified brick buildings, the double-paned windows, and the gritty grimy grayness. Old signs adorn old store fronts. Coldness and darkness will soon take over the green growing landscape of summer. People bundling up as if it were a natural reflex with shoulders hunched forward. Glowing windows in thick buildings, neon lights inviting you to come inside and have a drink. Resignation of the bus riders. I look forward to the extremity of winter, as if it were an extreme sport, to see if I can survive "the hawk's" assault. Hoping the the inside-time will expose some great internal answers. As I am often told here, "You have to be crazy to move here from California." And it is not even fall yet.

just a crow's fly

Sitting on a porch and rocking in a rocking chair is what I've been doing. North Carolina has wispy tall pines and a lovely beach. People in the South say things like, "It was just a crow's fly away." They eat chipped beef. Big front porches on the old houses look quaint combined with the clapboard shutters. I witnessed an entire golf game – the game does have it's charm. And I think the sign that said "Beware of the alligators" was for real, but I'm not sure. Cable TV, Ms. Pacman, and snack food is comforting. I feel like navel gazing lately, whether I'm in North Carolina or Illinois. All introspection is what is going on. Describing the outside of things is much easier than describing the inside.

pre-teen

Two men next door are busy tonight putting in a brick patio, I can hear them hammering. I can also hear the music they are blasting. They are listening to the cheesiest love songs sung by I don't know who, but she has a very high pitched voice. It is worse than songs I listened to when I was 12. Speaking of being 12, lately I have been having that adolescent feeling of cringing at being noticed in public and hoping no one on the bus gives you a look or says anything. In general, I feel more exposed here in Chicago as a female. I don't like men looking at me or whistling. I just don't. And if I were braver I would tell them to fuck off. I think this adolescent feeling is about more than the unwanted public attention but it is not bloggable material, although it is funny that I feel 12 again as I am getting gray hair.

big city of dreams

Like most cities, Chicago is full of contradictions. Daisies packed in dirt strain towards the sun leaving me wondering who plants hundreds of daisies in a Walgreen's parking lot. A young girl randomly yells at me, "I'll kick your ass if you don't give me my money!" Water drops off the ceiling and onto passenger's heads, which seems to be a phenomenon of Chicago buses along with cockroaches. Yard sale signs crowd the utility poles, advertising, "There's something for everyone! Really great stuff!". The girls upstairs have a "Three Friends Lemonade Stand" one weekend. There are really good avocados at Stanleys vegetable store which enables A. to make really good guacamole. A young guy runs through my front yard with a gun which means the gang boundaries may have moved over to my block.

from beirut to those who love us

My friend in Beirut replied with a video. I couldn't find the video online, so I have transcribed the text for you to read:

From Beirut to those who love us.
July 21, 2006

(woman singing):
One of whom are dear to us
Great those who used to care for us
Tell them whatever may happen

(sound of bombs interrupts her singing)

"I can't go on"
"Repeat, repeat"

(sound of bombs)

(Narration:)
We are around 4 million people
So far, 150,000 of them have left the country
And we were hit by 16,000 missiles
Israeli missiles
At first we disagreed on how to address you
Do we speak to you as Arab viewers?
Or as Europeans?
In the end
We agreed that it is irrelevant
No one is listening anyway
No one heard about a half million displaced
Half a million displaced
More than 300 martyrs
And 1000 injured
Did you hear of a town called Marwahin?
Marwahin?
Srifa?
Qana and Al Mansouri?
Sabra and Chatila?
Dir Yassin?
Kifr Qassim?
Massacre!
Massacre.
Massacre.
A moment of silence..

Now, listen well
We are besieged
And the smell of gunpowder is in the air.
Gunpowder, and the world is watching..
We are beseiged because the world is watching
What matters is
We still have a bit of food and water
And pride
And dignity
And love
We are 4 million people
4 million and one
One who was born today in a school under seige
We are here
Where are you?

One of whom are dear to us
Great those who used to care for us
Tell them whatever may happen
Don't forget to care for us

what to say

It is hard to imagine Chicago being cold. It was 98 today. I can't say that it is a pleasureable hot. The lack of an ocean breeze has become evident (and no the lake doesn't quite cut it.) Everyone prespires all the time. But, I do like that the hot weather forces you to interact with the elements. Unless you never leave an air-conditioned apartment, you will be affected by the heat. It is a forced equalization in a way.

I finally emailed my friend who was living in Beirut (Or atleast last time I heard, he could be anywhere really.) And again faced with the dilemma of what to say. What I feel is that I am horrified by what Israel is doing. But it is distant to my life. Beyond trying to empathize by following the news, reading over friends of friends emails, and imagining what it must be like, I don't really know. I haven't been touched by war directly. I feel so lucky for that. The immensity of that knowledge, the unfairness paralyzes me when I butt up against the undeniable fact that I benefit from U.S. imperialism. I don't want to wallow in guilt which plagues much of the left, but I know that I need to acknowledge it. Despite the tongue-tiedness, I still want to send a message. I want to communicate that I am worried to someone I care about. So I just end up saying, "I hope you are okay." and hope that suffices. I haven't heard back yet.

baby, lets have a baby – before bush do something crazy

It's hot again here in Chicago.

I heard that SF is having a summer. I remember the last summer SF had, I think it was a few years ago. I know SF is just doing this to annoy me.

I saw The Coup play again last weekend. Why is this the summer of The Coup? I went years in the Bay Area not seeing them play (except at that FNB fundraiser in Dolores Park). I think I had a mental block about liking them for several different reasons. It seems safe to like them now.

Also saw SHB play his country music to a weird club full of weird Chicagoans. He was good. Typical SHB, "If you don't like country music, you can kiss my ass, suck my dick, and get the hell out!" Since we do like country music we stayed. True to form, I drank too much and almost fell off my bike on the ride home. That's to be expected.

normalizing

Beth says that when you get hit by lightning your body fundamentally changes, so that lightning is drawn to you. People hit by lightning are more apt to get hit by lightning again and again.

My body is slowly becoming accustomed to the Chicago elements. I am starting to shed the slight uncomfortableness of being in a new place. My allergies are completely gone, which seems miracle enough. Although I find the city noise and bustle to be unpleasant and I have begun to yearn for the country.l I do enjoy the weather and the dramatic changes it takes throughout the day. The lightning/thunder last night was brutal. I think the garage beside my bedroom wall was struck by lightning.

When I glance down at my feet I momentarily startle because they do not look like my own. They are a pleasant toasted brown color as a result of being on the beach for four days. I had forgotten what a different shade my skin becomes when exposed to sunshine and it adds a strange oldness to the newness of becoming normalized.

dunes

I went to Lake Michigan. It is a huge lake. Look at that picture. It is huge. And it was this carribean blue color. I didn't want to swim in a murky dark mess of a lake. I didn't have to. The water was clear and seemed to be clean, although that may be a questionable assumption when dealing with Lake Michigan.

We looked at the stars by the fire near the lapping waves. We learned to make fires efficiently. I left sandy dirty and relaxed all around. We caught the headlines in town of Beirut in flames. It is alarming yet seems so far away. I wonder about my friend that was living there and if he is okay, or if he had left the city. When the big blood orange slice of moon rises over the horizon and we sing silly camp songs to keep the cougars away it seems like a good thing to stay away from the noisy places. Until you read the details of destruction and then feel like we have to stop this craziness in the world. Then it is time to go home and clean the sand out of my ears.

dancing in september

The sun has set and the skies of Chicago are alive with fireworks. The constant pops and crackles and booms will last most of the night. It is hot, but in a way that is soft, relaxing, and moist, tempered by a semi-cool breeze. I am obssessed with weather conditions. I imagine being 80 and sitting on a front porch talking about the weather for hours on end. Assuming there still is weather when I am 80. Actually, I'd be happy doing that as my main occupation when I hit 40.

Most (all?) members of Earth, Wind, and Fire grew up in the Henry Horner Homes here in Chicago. Henry Horner is a project that was erected in the mid-50s when a bunch of federal $ was allocated for housing. And then was neglected for decades in this segregated ghetto-ridden city. It was all meant to happen that way – no accident there. And it is one of the buildings that will be demolished under Chicago Housing Authority's new plan to tear down all the public housing.

Back to Earth, Wind, And Fire. I was in the grocery store and "September" came on over the store sound system. And people could not help boogie-ing in the aisles. Almost everyone was doing a little dance. Some thinking no one was watching, others just blatantly shaking their booty. We were seriously one beat away from having a spontanteous choreographed musical moment. Really, you have to be inhuman to resist Earth, Wind, And Fire.

Do you remember the 21st night of september?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing.
As we danced in the night,
Remember how the stars stole the night away

Say do you remember
Dancing in September
Never was a cloudy day

yeah.

When I left the Bay the sky looked empty. Here the sky is windy, big, leafy, and lately full of fireworks (Chicago celebrates the 4th for a whole week). When it is really hot, you can't really do anything until around 11pm which is problematic when you have nothing to do.

Sometimes some people make you feel like you have to do something though. Like write your book, make your movie, take your trip, or sing your song. You know what I mean. Usually it is someone that is writing his book, making his movie, taking his trip or singing his song. (replace "his" with "her" if appropriate). Sum this up with a 3AM text message I received from S: "OMG Bjork is so F-ing HOT!!!"

random chicago observance

If you order a sandwich in this town there is a 95% chance that you will get a dill pickle served with it.

living in the country

Someone came over to my new apartment and exclaimed, "It's like living in the country!" It's not really like living in the country, but my neighborhood is pretty mellow for a city. Berkeley is more bustling than Logan Square for sure. People plant these really nice little flower gardens on the corners of streets. Old brick buildings have pretty trees in front and "For Rent" signs in the windows. New condos sit empty and latino families have moving out yard sales on the weekends.

I am busy watching lightning storms and painting walls bright colors. I've been drinking a beer a day, watching fake Russian cosmonauts at the Gene Siskel, reading about "The Machine", and talking about neoliberalism in the book club, and of course being bored out of my mind working. When when when when when?

fireflies

Okay, so I am being really bad and blogging during work .

Fireflies are amazing. They flew low and heavy over A's garden yesterday at dusk. I got to study them up close. They are flying lanterns. I had assumed they were mythical animals that existed only in my childhoood. But, they actually exist. I don't understand how people can see these magical little splashes of light without experiencing complete awe. It is like being able to watch a shooting star up close.

weekend

My new neighborhood farmer's market had two stands set up today. One selling bread and one selling apple butter. No vegetables were for sale. One guy at a stand said that it was slow because of father's day and usually there are 5 or 6 stands.

Yesterday was Puerto Rican pride day. And it was super windy yet warm. I slept with the windows open and you could hear the raucous crowds and police sirens all night. My cat was uneasy by all the commotion and whined all night long. Fun. Today he fell asleep in the closet on top of a back pack.

I noticed this weekend that there are a lot of yuppies in Chicago and that it is best to avoid them.

mr. happy

I've been too tired to write in this blog. I've only been living here for 2 weeks now, so I guess my slackness is forgiveable.

Turns out that my chiropractor is zany. He told me a story about one of his patients discovering that chiropractic treatment solved his impotence problem. While telling this story, my chiropractor referred to the penis as "Mr. Happy." I don't make this stuff up kids.

But hey, my back feels a lot better.

update

What Chicago looks like:
There are a lot of different kinds of bricks in Chicago. Brick is everywhere.

How I feel:
I feel like I need a vacation, like I have been operating on overdrive for months. I am actually looking forward to going to the chiropractor. Usually I hate going to see doctors of any kind. I am trying a place called "The Wellness Center", doesn't that sound nice? Oh and St. John's Wart is a wonderful substance. I love it.

How I am getting new stuff:
My books are all showing up busting out of their boxes. I am scouring Craigslist for bookshelves. I have never used Craigslist to acquire things before this move, now I am addicted. I look at anything posted that looks remotely interesting usually "purple" or "vintage" are words that indicate an interesting post.

The status of my cat's cat food:
I am also on the lookout for the special kind of cat food that my cat eats. I have a half a bag left, things are getting desperate. He is a puker. So, I know if I am forced to switch brands I will have a lot of puke to look forward to.

What I did tonight:
I went to the first meeting of the book club tonight with some smarty pants people. We discussed the book "A Brief History of Neoreolism".

hello chicago

I'm in Chicago now. With a need to have things in place so I can think. My body is not right. I have plans to go to the Chicago Wellness Center very soon. The pain has been a major impediment the past few weeks. I hope it is just temporary. I had so many things to write about. Now that I have internet I can't remember them. I did go the local movie theater the other night. $3 movie. Can't beat it. And the candy was cheap too. My bike is yellow and is named "Scout" and it has a seat that looks like a saddle. There are good things going on.

desire

I'm afraid of leaving the theater. I remember sitting in a darkened theater years ago and experiencing an intense longing. The hush of the audience as the lights go down. The first splash of light on the screen. When I am away from it I miss it, but unknowingly. I am afraid to leave the theater because I will have to carry that longing around.

I experience the same feeling when I am on a Cape Cod ferry. A desire for a place that is impossible to satisfy. It will overtake my heart at surprising moments. When I see a certain shade of blue or catch a wiff of salt air. I've been wondering lately if I am gravitating towards the Cape. Am I being pulled towards the place I was born in some inescapable circle? Why am I also pulled towards a movie screen? People's inside wiring is such a mystery. Everyone's desire is triggered differently.